Now that Zagat's has announced new Dating (and Dumping) Guides for New York and LA, I'm bracing myself for some nasty stories. Zagat's selected their dumping grounds based on the number of exits and proximity to transportation (so you can get the hell outta there), as well as the attractiveness of the clientele, so that you can immediately pick up someone else to hook up with. Nice. Is it my imagination, or does it sound like Zagat's is catering to the Y chromosome crowd here? Sounds generally douchey to me. What kind of a guy would maximize the humiliation of being dumped? I never thought I'd say this, but I'd rather get the text: "sry ur not the 1 4 me." Every girl needs a kickass toolkit for getting over a breakup. Getting dumped pretty much happens to everyone sooner or later, and usually we just sort of stumble through it, taking each horrible day as it comes and doing our best to stay sane. Well, you know I am all about strategy, about taking control of your life to get what you want. You may not be able to control being dumped, but you can certainly control your response to it. And I want to help you go through the trauma with the least possible pain, in the shortest period of time. Here are the basic tenets of my Kickass recovery plan: Self-pity is highly underrated. Ditto for self-indulgence. Maintaining your dignity will have a huge payoff. Getting over a guy will suck, but can be freeing, energizing, and sometimes even fun. Grieving is an aspect of love. If you love someone, and you lose them, grieving them is a loving act, even when they don't deserve it. It's also a way of loving yourself. So. He broke up with you. You just got onto a great big roller coaster, and you're going to need to hold on tight. The First Stage: Shock and Awe "Shock and awe is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight." (Wikipedia) This is what he just did to you. He mowed you down like a Panzer tank. Maybe you saw it coming, maybe not. Either way it sucks, and it's going to suck for a while. You can't believe it. Literally. Your mind is not capable of absorbing this news immediately. "He is wrong about this! He will come to see his mistake!" Your loving friends will tell you that it makes no sense, something must be going on with him, you guys are perfect together, he's not going to last the weekend without you, blah, blah, blah. Don't believe them. He may, in fact, come back around and ask that you take him back. It happens. But guess what? I have NEVER heard of a relationship that was as good the second time around. When he Humpty Dumptied you he broke something and it is never going to be put back together the same way again. Still, you hope he will change his mind. In the meantime, you will be saying a variety of cheerful and helpful things to yourself: "This is great! Now I can hook up with new guys!" "Awesome! I've really missed hanging out with my girls!" "It will be great not to have to think about anyone but myself." But you know the pain is coming. It is coming, and it is going to slam into you like a Kansas tornado. The Second Stage: Tornado Alley The tornado hits suddenly, and it blows you right off your foundation. Your life has literally been turned upside down. There are several things you need to do in the second stage: 1. Respect his decision. It is his right to end the relationship. You hate it, but you can't change it. 2. Sever all contact. This is not an appropriate time to think about remaining friends. What is the point? You don't want him calling to "check in" and see if you are surviving the devastating heartbreak that he inflicted. 3. Go headlong into the pain. This is where the very important self-pitying behavior begins. Here are some activities I recommend: -Cry as many tears as your body can produce. Cry until your eyes are puffy and red. Cry until snot is running down your chin. It also helps to wail, if that's feasible in your living situation. Keening would not be overdoing it. -Eat whatever you want. This is not the time to think about your weight. Personally, my go-to breakup food has always been spaghetti with a ton of melted butter. Maybe your thing is Cherry Garcia. Or chocolate. Whatever. Get in some supplies and indulge. -Get your friends to rub your back and hug you constantly. You are literally craving physical comfort in this stage and your friends can provide it. -Listen to really sappy love songs. Wallow in the unfairness of it all. -Watch sad movies about love relationships that don't work out. I always liked Roman Holiday with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. Casablanca is a classic, of course. Titanic. You get the idea. After a little while, you will get bored of all of the above. You will be crying your eyes out in your dark room, and you will catch a glimpse of the time. You will say to yourself, "Oh, look, Lost is about to come on." You will wander over to the TV in the PJs you have been wearing for 72 hours, and you will turn it on. And at some point in the next hour, for just a moment or two, you will forget. And the healing has begun. The Third Stage: Making Deals with the Devil In the third stage, you concoct schemes to get him back. You're feeling better than in Stage Two, and you feel empowered in some ways. Unfortunately, you are likely to take the ill-advised step of making a fool of yourself. This is fruitless and will cost you major dignity points. DO NOT, under any circumstances, indulge in the following activities: -Drunk dialing or texting -Engaging in drive-bys or any other spying activity -Making drama in a public place -Trying to talk to him about getting back together, also known as begging -Promising to change in some way so that he will want you back -Trying to make him jealous by acting skanky with another guy -Cornering his friends for updates on what he is thinking -Succumbing to the "maybe someday" delusion You may, indeed you must, do the following: -Get his number out of your phone. Yeah, of course you know it by heart, but the symbolism is important. And when he rings, I'll kill you if you answer. -Defriend him on Facebook. I know, I know, exes usually don't do that, it looks pathetic. Well guess what? More pathetic is your stalking him, reading his wall, trying to figure out which girls are now making a play for him, etc. Defriend him. Immediately. -Block him on your AIM. Block him. Don't just take him off your buddy list. Because when he sees that you're online and tries to IM you, 1) you don't want to know about it and 2) he will feel the little rejection of being informed that his message is not wanted. -Pack up everything you have that reminds you of him and the relationship. DO NOT have a bonfire, you'll regret that someday. For now, just pack it all up into a box and store it away. Tape the box shut, so that you can't go rifling around in there when you're wasted. If you ignored my advice and gave in to your self-destructive urges, there will come a time when you realize that all of your bargaining and desperate measures have only served to make you look like a complete psycho idiot. And then you will stop. The Fourth Stage: Boiling the Bunny Boiling the bunny is all about revenge fantasies. These are extremely helpful, and I would recommend spending some time developing a few. Lie down in a quiet place, and roll the tape in your head. Visualize it, hear it, feel it. Here are some I have found useful: -Penis in a blender; it's important to imagine pushing the button, whirl! -Hitting him with your car on a dark road and speeding away -He impregnates the ugly, gross girl he's hooking up with and she decides to keep the baby -Putting something so horrendous online that for the rest of his life, potential employers who Google him will lose interest, and maybe even call the authorities -Attending his funeral and fighting the urge to do a cartwheel at the cemetery I'm sure you can come up with some good ones of your own, or feel free to use mine. Just sub in your own dickhead. Here's the only real revenge worth pursuing: "Don't get even. Get even better." A word about rebounds: don't do it. Not yet. It's not fair to you, and it's not fair to the guy. Wait until you are free and clear emotionally before you get involved with someone new. Right now you need to be on your own, to mend, to heal, and to generally get your shit together. The Fifth Stage: Seasonal Affective Disorder OK, this has been fun, but now it's time to get back to the business of mending your broken heart. Grief is one of life's seasons. Think of it as spending time in a climate where the sun never shines. It could last a little while. Here are some things you'll probably be feeling at this point: -You realize he's not coming back. It's really over. -You feel like shit. -You really, really miss him. -You focus on memories of the past. -You blame yourself and try to figure out what went wrong. I wish you could skip this stage, because it feels awful. You probably feel like you should be over it, and you're not, and oh God, you'll never be happy again. You will be happy again, of course you will, but not yet. There is no way around it, you must go through this. For some women, this amounts to depression. I'm a big one for therapy, so go for some if you need to, keep a journal, keep your friends close. Now is not the time to wallow and be alone. You need some support during this stage, so get some. There are some things you can do to shorten the duration of SAD: -Make a list of his faults. I'm not kidding. It's important to remember that the relationship wasn't perfect. It really wasn't. There was the way he sort of checked out other girls sometimes. And he thought it was funny to tease you about your weight, but it wasn't funny at all, not to you. When you put your tongue in his ear it tasted like wax. He flared his nostrils sometimes, and they got HUGE. Why did he have to make that screeching sound when he sneezed? You get the idea. Write it all down. -Remind yourself every day that you deserve a guy who will love you unconditionally. And he doesn't. Therefore.....you deserve better than him. -Make some changes. Do something new, find a new source of hope. It could be a new interest, a new friendship, a new exercise activity. Open new avenues in your life. -Reflect on the relationship, and think about what you learned. Take responsibility for your own shortcomings. -Spend time with the two chicks: Lit and Flick. Now is the time to remind yourself that happy endings do exist. And the chicks never, ever let you down. The Sixth Stage: Turning the Corner You're gonna be OK. You laugh at stuff again. You even crack jokes occasionally. You're feeling a bit better. You can envision a time when you will be happy with someone else. You might not be ready right now, but there is the hope of happiness with someone new. When you feel ready, here are some things you can and should do: -Acknowledge that you are wary of getting involved again. New love means the risk of new loss, and that's scary. Take it slow. -Flirt. Yeah, you know you want to. It doesn't have to be a means to an end. Flirting is fun and an ego boost, so enjoy it for its own sake. -Go out at night. Put some rocking music on, get ready for a night on the town, and get out there. -Go out during the day. Try to maximize the number of encounters that you have with other people every single day. Ride the bus, go to the library, do your food shopping, take a walk in the park, work on your laptop at Starbucks. Will you meet Prince Charming on the street? Probably not. But you certainly will not meet him in your apartment. Just get out and move. Keep moving. Make eye contact with people, be friendly. That's it. That's the plan. It is the sum of what I've learned through my own breakups, and the breakups of many young women who have been kind enough to share their stories. I wish you all the best as you journey through grief to a new beginning.

1. Has weird sleep routines. One guy I dated used to take two Kleenex at bedtime. He would shake each out, fold it into a square and lay it carefully on the night table next to a glass of tepid water. I always knew it was weird, but after a while it became intolerable. 2. Wears Old Spice. It's the grossest smell ever. 3. Sports fungi toenails. That nasty stuff is incurable, you'll be looking at it forever. 4. Shows vulnerability only when drunk. Self-explanatory. 5. Checks out other girls when you're with him. Hostile and rude. 6. Lacks vowels. The last name of the biggest asshole I've ever known starts with 'Zv'. Plus, your kids would always be the very last person in line. 7. Over-texts. Texting is not permitted for personal, meaningful conversations. 8. Makes a fool of himself when he's drunk. If he's the guy on the mechanical bull or wearing something goofy on his head, you don't want to be associated with him. 9. Spends frugally. This isn't about who pays. This is about him not wanting to ever spend money having fun. 10. Leaves his socks on. Totally unacceptable, though dark socks are worse than white ones. 11. Sincerely believes that he is offering you a great gift when he offers his penis for a blow job. No, I'm doing you a favor. 12. Drinks a lot, a lot of the time. Can't seem to have fun sober. 13. Has an outie belly button. An innie is much nicer. 14. Has visible earwax. Gotta use the Q-tips every day. 15. Publicly urinates. Never OK, even in teen years. 16. Spits. See #15. Further penalties for really hocking one up. 17. Displays really bad table manners. Chewing with mouth open the worst offense, but there are many variations. 18. Performs oral sex like he's afraid his tongue will get burned. He may mean well, but he's never gonna get there. 19. Takes pride in farts. Save it for the guys. 20. Picks nose. Obviously a deal killer. 21. Handles or cradles balls over clothes, whether in public or private. One guy I knew did this incessantly and then sniffed his fingers. Vomit. 22. Loves to 'play it by ear.' Often results in no plans, which sucks. 23. Speaks vaguely, especially about commitment. Stop bullshitting and say what you really think. 24. Leaves toilet seat up. OK to do this three times, then it becomes passive-aggressive. 25. Lacks appreciation for pillow talk. He can't just indulge your whim for spooning and soul-searching. He must independently love it too. All guys do some of this crap. But if you gotta check yes on five or more of these, consider dumping him on February 15th. (You can take the belly button one as a mulligan.) What do you find essential to avoid in a guy?

Last week we had a variety of family members and friends over who had not previously met. The 20 year-old girls got talking about their favorite guy friends, referring to these boys using such affectionate nicknames as Precious Delight, Pure Sweetness and Totally Dorbs (for adorable). A 28 year-old guy overhearing this conversation declared that he would drop dead if he thought any woman was describing him as a Precious Delight. He insisted that women want the Alpha male, the superhero, the dominant, strong leader of the pack. In his view, these silly girls were describing sissies, weak and effeminate losers. But what he missed was the fact that the girls were giggling and sighing over Betas. Those affectionate, demonstrative, communicative, laid-back, gentle, nice guys. When I was in college there was this one guy whose nickname was Trog, short for Trogladyte. One Halloween he dressed as a caveman, and it was the most suitable outfit I ever saw him wear. I thought he was gross, but I suppose he had a certain something, if you fantasize about being dragged around by your hair and ravished near the campfire. (Actually, that sounds hot.) But that was the late 70s and Alpha males were out of fashion. The counter-cultural 60s had glorified what I called Sensitive Ponytail Man, i.e., the Beta male. I dreamt of poets and singer songwriters, not jocks. Of course, the pendulum always swings back, and eventually those guys grew up, went to grad school, cut their hair and joined the Establishment. Their sons aspired to Alpha status. When it comes to hooking up, Alpha, Beta and even Omega males are all trying to get a piece. They're vying with each other to prove who is the biggest stud. But they should pay closer attention. The girls are getting restless, and something is stirring in the status quo. Beta males, those sweet, sincere boys who speak the female language are emerging as heroes in popular culture. Girls want boyfriends who've got a bit of femme in them emotionally. They want boyfriends who are best friends. And women have the power to raise the Beta's station in life by making him the new romantic ideal. Jim Halpert, played by the Perfectly Dorbs John Krasinski on The Office, is the best living example of the perfect Beta. Sigh. (He actually grew up in the next town over, and I've seen him attending Mass with his parents when he's been home for a visit. So precious.) Jim Halpert isn't breathtakingly handsome, but his hotness comes from the pure unadulterated love he feels (and demonstrates) for Pam. You just know he loves hours on end of pillow talk (which, of course, follows hours on end of putting Pam's sexual satisfaction first). Seth Rogan doesn't do it for me personally, but he has proven he is capable of convincingly playing the leading man. Before seeing Knocked Up, you can't imagine how Katherine Heigl's character would ever go for him. And when you leave the theater, you're not buying it. But during the movie you suspend disbelief. He doesn't have his act together, but he has a good heart. The raw material is there. Ultimately, he is made a better man by his love for a woman. Now, that's a boy that women can put their arms around. My own personal crush at the moment is Free Credit Report guy. He is so good-natured, so self-effacing, so funny. OK, maybe I don't want my daughter to marry him, with his lousy credit rating and all. But I bet he would make a really good boyfriend. And in the middle of all this hooking up and awkwardness and crappy treatment from the Alphas, doesn't a visit to Beta territory sound refreshing? Perfectly Wonderful.

“Never frown, because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile.” Anonymous Many women make the mistake of thinking that if a guy finds them attractive, they are on the path to a relationship. Even though they understand that the path may be full of twists and turns, still they believe that attracting the male is the first step. It is not the first step. Attracting the male is the first step to hooking up. When a man finds you attractive, he wants to touch what he sees. That’s it. If the attraction is mutual, you may go for the hookup. Afterwards, what you’ve got is a notch on your bedpost, a hookup with a cute guy. You do not have the beginnings of a relationship. So what is the first step to a relationship? The first step is getting inside his head. He needs to think about you. He needs to wonder about you. He needs to be intrigued, and he needs to feel an impulse or urge to connect with you. That can happen with or without a hookup, before or after. An interesting thing I have found in my research is that while most girls experience difficulty in getting guys to commit, there are some young women who complain that every guy they hook up with wants more from them. They are looking for casual hookups and don’t want a relationship. Naturally, that makes them irresistible bait. Of course it’s human nature to want what we can’t have easily. To paraphrase Woody Allen, we don’t want to belong to any club that will have us as a member. If not wanting a relationship is the best way of being offered one, then what should you do if you want one? What can you do to be successful? 1. Be complete. One of the worst movie lines ever is in Jerry Maguire, when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger, “You complete me.” Ew. I remember cringing at that. You do not need a guy to be complete. In fact, a guy cannot complete you. You must live your life right now, today, without a relationship. Live it the best you can. Be thankful for what you have. It’s OK to want a special relationship, but you don’t need it to be happy. You really don’t. If you think you need it, you won’t find it. 2. Display enormous self-confidence. Your mantra: “I am the desired object.” This is so important that if you don’t believe it, you need to fake it ’till you make it. No one can think you are fabulous unless you do. It always starts with you. When you know your own worth, it shows. And it sells. You know that you would be an awesome girlfriend. You know that you could make a guy really happy. Don’t ever forget that you are a catch! You are not right for every guy. Some guys won’t be interested. Your job is to be your best, most confident self to attract the guy who might be. If you don’t believe that you are pure fabulousness, you need to address that. Take action. What do you hate about yourself? Improve it. Talk to someone. Do something. Just getting moving will make you feel stronger and better. 3. Be classy. A 2008 Cosmopolitan survey showed that 67% of guys are most turned on by “the girl next door” look. The “sex bomb” look only appealed to 12%. Understand that you are beautiful in your natural state. Stop trying so hard to get the guys all hot and bothered. The only thing you’ll get out of that is a booty call. If you are lucky enough to have a great body, resist the temptation to display all of it at the same time. Focus on one asset at a time. Use makeup to enhance your looks, not give you the appearance of a heroin addict. I’m not telling you to go ahead and wear sweats; just be more subtle in your presentation. Guys like wholesome. 4. Have the right kind of expectations. Expecting a guy to become your boyfriend is not strategic. Expecting a guy to like you a certain amount, or display a certain kind of affection, is not effective. On the other hand, expecting a guy to do what he says he is going to do is good strategy. Expecting him to show you some respect; that’s good too. Guys don’t want you demanding love from them. But they will totally get it if you demand respect for your feelings, your body and your time. 5. If he hasn’t committed, you’re a free agent. Guys are amazed when I tell them that back in the day, when we dated in the traditional sense, it was totally legit to go out with one guy on a Friday night and make out (or more), and then do the same thing with someone else on Saturday. We were dating; dating was shopping. And the guy might be shopping around too. Nowadays, guys want to hook up without commitment, but they think it’s really shady if a girl is hooking up with someone else the same weekend. You have every right to be choosy. So shop around, and don’t take yourself off the market until a boy that you really like asks you to be his girlfriend. 6. Create a little mystery. I always advise women to hold back 10%. Never give a guy 100% of yourself (even when you’re married!). In every relationship, there is a pursuer and a distancer. Don’t be the pursuer. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Guys worry about the emotional neediness of women (with good reason, let’s face it). Fight that. Keep your feelings to yourself, or share them with your girls for now. Eagerness is repellent. Whininess is repulsive. He doesn’t want you to cling. He wants to pursue you. He wants to wonder what you think. So let him. 7. Slow down. The best relationships happen between soulmates. You cannot become soulmates through sex. Through pillow talk, maybe, but not through sex. You stand a much better chance of becoming really close to a guy if you allow plenty of time and space for friendship. That means not having sex too soon. Sex can make friendship complicated. It’s much harder to go from sex to friendship, than from friendship to sex. Take time to get to know him. Make him spend time getting to know you. Guys appreciate a slow win. 8. Don’t overreact. Don’t go all gloom and doom the minute he takes a step back. In Mars and Venus On a Date, John Gray talks about how guys are like rubber bands. They withdraw for a bit, and then they return. If he needs some distance, give it to him. When he comes back, welcome him. Chill out. If he doesn’t text you for three days, just live your life. If he thinks you’re going to give him a really hard time when he does get back in touch, then guess what? He won’t get back in touch. Guys hate drama. There are only so many long talks a guy is willing to have. So save your allotment of heart-to-hearts for the really important stuff. 9. Don’t waste time. Cultivate a reputation for being a woman who doesn’t waste precious time on fools. You are too good to get hung up on a boy who doesn’t like you. Every tear you cry for a jerk takes up valuable psychic energy and sets you back. If you are feeling crappy about some guy, you are not open to a new guy. You may think you are, but your emotional funk will be telegraphed to those around you in subtle ways. If things don’t go your way, go ahead and feel sorry for yourself for a day or two. Eat junk food, get wasted with the girls, whatever. Then pick yourself up and live your life. 10. Cultivate a positive attitude in the meantime. Here’s where I get all The Secret on you. You can be strong and independent, you can take no prisoners, you can even be a hardass without sending out negative vibes. You are open and friendly, you just aren’t cheap. You expect good things to happen to you. A bad attitude is self-fulfilling; if you believe that no one will want you, then no one will want you. I guarantee it. If you believe that you deserve to be loved and are willing to wait for that special guy, then you will find him. You won’t find him sitting in your room, though. The more interactions you have in your day, the greater your chances of encountering someone new. Go out. Psych yourself up as often as you need to, but keep on getting out there. Don’t give up. You can have what you want if you will believe in it.