1. Has weird sleep routines. One guy I dated used to take two Kleenex at bedtime. He would shake each out, fold it into a square and lay it carefully on the night table next to a glass of tepid water. I always knew it was weird, but after a while it became intolerable.
2. Wears Old Spice. It's the grossest smell ever.
3. Sports fungi toenails. That nasty stuff is incurable, you'll be looking at it forever.
4. Shows vulnerability only when drunk. Self-explanatory.
5. Checks out other girls when you're with him. Hostile and rude.
6. Lacks vowels. The last name of the biggest *sshole I've ever known starts with 'Zv'. Plus, your kids would always be the very last person in line.
7. Over-texts. Texting is not permitted for personal, meaningful conversations.
8. Makes a fool of himself when he's drunk. If he's the guy on the mechanical bull or wearing something goofy on his head, you don't want to be associated with him.
9. Spends frugally. This isn't about who pays. This is about him not wanting to ever spend money having fun.
10. Leaves his socks on. Totally unacceptable, though dark socks are worse than white ones.
11. Sincerely believes that he is offering you a great gift when he offers his penis for a blow job. No, I'm doing you a favor.
12. Drinks a lot, a lot of the time. Can't seem to have fun sober.
13. Has an outie belly button. An innie is much nicer.
14. Has visible earwax. Gotta use the Q-tips every day.
15. Publicly urinates. Never OK, even in teen years.
16. Spits. See #15. Further penalties for really hocking one up.
17. Displays really bad table manners. Chewing with mouth open the worst offense, but there are many variations.
18. Performs oral sex like he's afraid his tongue will get burned. He may mean well, but he's never gonna get there.
19. Takes pride in farts. Save it for the guys.
20. Picks nose. Obviously a deal killer.
21. Handles or cradles balls over clothes, whether in public or private. One guy I knew did this incessantly and then sniffed his fingers. Vomit.
22. Loves to 'play it by ear.' Often results in no plans, which sucks.
23. Speaks vaguely, especially about commitment. Stop bullsh*tting and say what you really think.
24. Leaves toilet seat up. OK to do this three times, then it becomes passive-aggressive.
25. Lacks appreciation for pillow talk. He can't just indulge your whim for spooning and soul-searching. He must independently love it too.

All guys do some of this crap. But if you gotta check yes on five or more of these, consider dumping him on February 15th. (You can take the belly button one as a mulligan.) What do you find essential to avoid in a guy?